Friday, January 31, 2014
Isn't it interesting how time doesn't matter in the imagination stages of a relationship. The stages where anticipation and expectation takes you places which stops everything for the purpose of being closer to that significant other. A place that's so unbelievable you never want it to end, but somehow reality pulls you back into the rest of the world where priorities conflict with those dreams of romance... and it becomes never enough time to be as close as you were in the beginning. Now doubt confronts your ideas about the stability of the relationship altogether. It makes you think and see things that are really not there, which helps form the excuses that come next... for why nothing is good enough anymore, but if you'd only pay attention you'd know that the only thing in the relationship that changed is you. Have you ever thought that the smallest gestures are the greatest rewards in a relationship? Most of the larger components are nice at times, but even those are superficial when compared to the smaller more intimate components. Which are the things that let you know what kind of person you have come to love and who loves you back. That kind of someone who makes you feel like you're the only thing that really matters and means it from the bottom of their heart. Taking a person like that for granted will be an awful lesson to learn the differences between okay and great. This has been yet another topic to think about.
It is in this kind of unfavorable atmosphere and experience that as a child I began growing into my maturity. The challenges of trying to become a responsible man throughout it all, has allowed me to really guard against any and everything that opposed my opportunity of being a beautiful human being, both intentionally and unintentionally for example: (old beliefs, family, friends, authorities, etc). I struggled to become decisive and secure about my decisions, but in learning to accept things personally I started to see life through new views and not by those old paradigms of the war zone style environment I observed and grew up surrounded by. So young and preoccupied with a concept of wanting to be respected or at time even feared in order to survive being victimized. When really, it was me being afraid to live life to the fullest and pursue my dreams, and that was self victimizing. To be so capable of accomplishing anything I wanted, but being so unsure and not inspired to want it enough, has been very difficult for me to erase from my mind to this day. And now, I'm so ready to accomplish everything without hesitation, to only be restricted on many levels because of the politics that rules and regulations within this atmosphere presents. That fuels my own dissapointment, but inspires me to continue utilizing my time productively and appreciating all of the seconds, minutes, hours, days, weeks, months, and years I have been blessed to do so without losing my sense of humanity, as many others have unfortunately done the opposite. I offer this discussion as a principle from my very own experience, hoping that a parent might share it with their child. It's such a huge deal to be careful not to lose sight of what you're capable of, and furthermore, to never be in a situation that brings you to prison in order to find that out like I did. Trust me, this is not a place for anyone with so much promise and life ahead of them. Also, you'd rather have your parents rules and support, than prison rules and isolation!
Saturday, January 18, 2014
Tales of the grapevine frightens me so much that I'm apprehensive about saying a word to anyone. Thoughts are already threatened by the unknown as I approach this building that appears to be a huge dark castle from the medieval times or something only seen in a movie, but unfortunately this is not a movie it's real. Clink, clink, clink... as a door opens and blam.... steel touches steel when it closes with no where to go. What a feeling of helplessness... no more privacy, controlled movement and a constant reinforcement of that same helplessness. What does an adolescent do? To not become a victim for the predators that lay in waiting to take advantage of their youth somehow.. to not lose themselves and become dependant on the readily approved psychological prescriptions by the psychologists hoping to escape it all... to not lose hope even in such a dark situation and to learn all that can be learned as a positive usage to themselves and others? What does an adult do to help them?...To gain their trust? Are you the kind of adult that any adolescent can come to for advise without being judged, but listened to? If not, you should be... just look around. We all witness atrocities in our lives... Some of us much more up-close and personal than others, but what are it's affect on the mind? Many of the things we've thought were just happening these days might very well be behavior controlling methods.... something to consider when we look at society in it's state presently and back to it's past. There's people who struggle to survive, people who are carelessly living a life of crime, and people who aren't living up to superficial standards so they're killing themselves or carrying the thoughts of not wanting to live anymore. We have all somehow become victims in a supposedly free society. The question becomes, have we believed in a free society that has merely been an illusion all along? And, if it has been an illusion... what does it mean to live in a truely free society, where the rights are not by law of a government, but of common sense in the human experience. If common sense is loving someone like we envision someone should love us... patience and understanding is present, consideration and concern is present, communication is present, emotional and physical support is present. Let's be honest... how often has this been an active thought in our free society?
Monday, January 6, 2014
"For to be free is not to cast off one's chains, but to live in a way that respects and embraces the freedom of others"... Nelson Mandela "As I walked out the door toward the gate that would lead to my freedom, I knew if I didn't leave my bitterness and hatred behind I'd still be in prison"... Nelson Mandela I have experienced a program called Challenges & Possibilities and let me tell you that it's a human experience that surpasses anything a man in prison can ever be a part of for this reason... There are people who come from all over the United States to speak and support what the importance of positive change is as it relates to the life that exists on this planet earth... both in prison and outside of prison. We have all made mistakes in our lives and granted some have been more severe than others, but the bottom line becomes... if you hurt me and I hold onto that hurt while waiting to hurt you back or wishing hurt on you... the only exchange is hurt. Now, does God hurt you when you break his heart over and over with your faults... or does He still continue to give you love because He knows that you are much more than those faults??? I met a woman who was sexually assaulted and she shared her story and the courage in her will to be a survivor made me weep. I've never done anything like that to a woman, but I can't seperate the pain that I caused a mother when I killed her son at 15. After all that I've learned I would trade my life for her son's to take away her pain, but since I can't do that I'm being the kind of person that if he were here today he'd see my heart and the positive changes I've made and forgive me...at least I'd like to think he would... but I live my life by this powerful quote I was introduced to "If I can stop one heart from breaking, I shall not live in vain"... Emily Dickenson I also met a woman who lost her son to vehicle homicide by drunk driver and again I wept. To have her son taken from her and me having taken a son, you cannot imagine what being in the same room with her and hearing her speak was like for me. Then to have her take my hand and hold it with so much tenderness and warmth.... I thought that God was allowing her to punish me somehow because the kid who had taken a life was now this weak and vulnerable man...this has allowed me the opportunity to free my heart and take her son on the journey of being a positive impact throughout the rest of my life regardless of where I am physically. (my dog chewed a piece of this paper so some words are missing, not kidding...Margie) I also met a man who's father was killed at gun point in a robbery when he was only twelve. Having him share that he'd met with one of the men who'd taken his father from him and had forgiven him and although it wasn't easy it needed to be done. Do you realize how much power that is??? There's other people who I've met that shared what opportunities await those of us who have a chance to come home at some point. Alot of stories about the importance of education and faith as well as attitude and integrity. Then there's a woman who travelled from Ireland just to see what the program was about, so that she could take it back with her in hopes of starting something like it in her country. If that doesn't say alot... right?! I close this out by saying that everything that we do, if we haven't already done it is new... new can be awkward and even scary, but anything positive is worth the hope and benefit of us all. I am not the poor choice that I made, but I am a beautiful human being who has come alive with confidence and integrity to always do what's right because anything less is selfish. Thank you all for listening. Happy Holidays!!!